Published in The Coop Scoop·Sep 3Member-only5-Year-Old Me Was an IdiotRevisiting my old school notebook — I’d like to say that I was always destined to be a successful — or at least competent — writer. Flicking through my old school notebook, however, has forced me to reconsider. Child prodigy, I was not… Lord knows why my mother decided to keep these fevered scribblings of a…Humor3 min read
Published in The Coop Scoop·Aug 9Member-onlyThe Wisest Things Someone’s Snotty Child Almost Certainly SaidYou must be so proud, parent posting on Facebook — If you’ve ever been online — and there’s a good chance you have, if you’re reading this — you’ve probably read many inspirational quotes uttered by friends’, colleagues’, or even complete strangers’ crotch spawn. “That’s so true, although it sounds a little advanced for a two-year-old”, you might think, as…Humor3 min read
Published in The Critter Feed·Aug 5Member-onlyMy Best Bird Photographs — Aussie Animal EditionThe lowdown on my doings down under — It’s been a while since I posted here. I could make a lame excuse, but my audience (both of you) deserve the truth — which is that I was washing my hair. For a few months. With that out of the way, I thought I’d share some of what I’ve…Photography4 min read
Published in The Critter Feed·May 15Member-onlyIf Shark Week Writers Did ObituariesHis only crime? Looking a bit like a seal — Loving father. Cherished husband. Just another meal for a Pacific apex predator. Jimmy Sprockett, 45, passed away from natural causes on May 12, 2022, after a large female great white shark bit him in half. …Humor2 min read
Published in The Coop Scoop·Apr 26Member-onlyWe Respectfully Reject Your Memoir Because You’re Boring as ShitA literary agent has had enough — Dear Mr. Lumpkin, Thank you so much for sending us your memoir: Roll Up, Roll Up: Confessions of a Carpet Store Manager in Sleaford. First of all, I would like to say that we’re flattered you asked us to represent you. I would like to say that, but I’m not…Humor4 min read
Published in The Coop Scoop·Mar 30Member-onlyThe Main Reason Will Smith Shouldn’t Have Slapped Chris RockHe must have known this would happen — Unless you’ve been trapped in a wombat burrow for the last few days, you’ve probably heard about what went down at the 2022 Oscars or — as I like to call it — The Pursuit of Slappyness. Now, I’m not one to weigh in on the morality of the incident…News4 min read
Published in The Critter Feed·Mar 30Member-onlyThe Marsupial That Sexes Itself to DeathAustralia, why you so crazy? — Antechinus may sound like a tragic hero of Greek mythology, but it’s actually the name of a small Australian marsupial, a little like a cross between a mouse and a shrew. In a way, I suppose it is a tragic hero of its own tale. You see, the male Antechinus…Humor3 min read
Published in The Critter Feed·Mar 21Member-onlyMy 5 Best Wildlife Photographs — Part 2The sequel no one asked for — These days, I find myself enjoying photography a lot more, and enjoying writing a lot less. But photography doesn’t pay the bills, unless the bills amount to $10 or so a month, so I’d better get back to writing here, which also doesn’t pay the bills. Some of you enjoyed…Photography4 min read
Published in The Critter Feed·Mar 10Member-onlyOn the Prowl for Barn OwlsA frustrating few weeks led to one of my best wildlife experiences — Barn owls have always been one of my favourite birds. Some say they’re evil omens; some say their face looks like an apple cut in half. I only agree with one of these groups. Whether demonic spirit or fruit impersonator, their ghostly silhouette gliding low over the grass at dusk…Photography6 min read
Published in The Coop Scoop·Mar 8Member-onlyGood Hunt Willing: An Unoriginal ScreenplayThe tale of a humble math prodigy with secret janitorial skills — Good Hunt Willing is a screenplay written by Brad Maiming and Chet Assfleck. The story follows Hunter (Hunt) Willing, a math prodigy and MIT student who harbors secret janitorial prowess. Hunt anonymously solves a blackboard equation for the optimum scrubbing pattern to get vomit out of a carpet, to the…Humor4 min read
