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Alex Cooper

You’re an Idiom

I’m not a metaphorical idiom — I’m a lonely mammal who craves acknowledgment

elephant standing behind group of people talking
elephant standing behind group of people talking
“Steve, you need help.” (Images from Canva)

As the world’s largest land animal, I’m not exactly inconspicuous.

Most of my brethren are content to stroll the savannas, but me? I crave companionship of a different kind.

You humans intrigue me, what with your tiny trunks, lack of tusks, and inability to broach sensitive subjects in social gatherings. That’s why I shun my own species and squeeze into your dwellings for a front-row seat.

I’ll take anything — living rooms; offices; restaurants; even the odd gazebo or two. At the moment I’m more of an interested observer, but it’s not like I want to be on the periphery…


And I will take my tithe.

man looks at piece of spinach in a pan as a god looks on smiling
man looks at piece of spinach in a pan as a god looks on smiling
Illustration by Emily Clouse

You humans always get the forbidden fruit wrong.

An apple? Pah. That is a modern invention. Apples didn’t even grow in the Middle East. A fig? A figment of man’s imagination.

No. I speak of a vaunted vegetable. Once humans took a bite from this folate-filled leaf, the writing was on the wall.

You were too greedy with your nutrients. Iron? Vitamins A, C, and E? Manganese? Dietary fiber? Those are too many things for mortal digestive systems. I don’t even know what manganese is, and I hate what I do not understand.

Infused with magnesium, potassium, and riboflavin, you…


Child Star Goes Off The Rails

It’s been downhill ever since

woman with husband has just given birth, midwife slapping baby
woman with husband has just given birth, midwife slapping baby
History being made. (Image from Canva)

Sometimes, I envy you mediocre people and your mundane, meaningless lives. You see, it’s far tougher being a has-been than a never-was.

You don’t know what it’s like to be a big deal, only for fame to chew you up, spit you out, and dash your hopes on the rocks of confusing metaphors.

Who am I? I’m the former World’s Youngest Person.

A Star Is Born

Around three decades ago, in a quiet corner of Eastern England, history was made.

My parents opted for a home birth to avoid the paparazzi vultures who’d inevitably circle the maternity ward. …


This list might rankle

anthropomorphized numbers on a podium
anthropomorphized numbers on a podium
Images from Canva

5. 5th

When something is better than all but four other things, but not quite as good as those four things above it, 5th is the Goldilocks zone in the ranking game. That’s why 5th place on this list seems fair.

Honorable mention to 6th, which narrowly missed out on making the top 5. I briefly considered 3428th, but it’s mired in controversy and I don’t think anyone wants to go down that particular rabbit hole.

4. 4th

4th just pips 5th to get the number 4 spot, and we don’t expect many arguments with this placement.

Solid. Dependable. A workhorse of a ranking…


Creativity

We have reached peak content

medium writer reacts to his medium articles, making funny faces
medium writer reacts to his medium articles, making funny faces
A rollercoaster ride of emotion. (Image made on Canva)

Reaction videos.

You love them. I love them. We all appreciate creators’ ability to add so much to original content, often just by nodding, frowning, or making small grunting noises.

Why watch the original video when you can watch a video of someone reacting to the original video?

It’s a good question. Sometimes I wonder whether we need the original content at all. Perhaps people could react to things before they’d even been made. But hey, I’m just an ideas guy.

You might think reaction content only works on a medium like YouTube instead of a medium like, err, Medium


Investigative Journalism

Challenge accepted

google search results for ‘foolproof ways to’
google search results for ‘foolproof ways to’
Graphic made on Canva (screenshot & photograph by author)

Foolproof. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

As an accomplished fool myself, I’m going to put some common ‘foolproof’ suggestions to the test. I must warn you — you may have underestimated just how foolish I can be.

How will I decide on the suggestions? Never fear — I have a foolproof plan, which is to Google the most common searches and choose a few to test out:


You won’t believe how much older people look when they age

baby to boy transformation pic
baby to boy transformation pic
What the fuck? (Images from Canva)

10 years.

Seems like a long time, huh? Back in 2011, we didn’t have roads, mobile phones, or ducks.

I remember seeing my favorite movie and TV stars back then. They looked a lot younger. Now? They look different and it confuses me. Perhaps it’s because it reminds me of my own crushing mortality. Perhaps no adults in my life ever satisfactorily explained the concept of aging.

Either way, I don't like change, and I wish these actors hadn’t got older. …


No, I don’t know why I’m like this either

Surprises abound in the latest rankings

australian marsupials with their babies
australian marsupials with their babies
What do you think about Joey? (Images from Canva)

Few things are as individual as a name, and since it will be with your child for the rest of their life, it’s a big decision. Joey or Joey? Joey or Joey? Maybe you’re more of a Joey fan, or perhaps Joey would suit your little bundle of joy?

Check out the top 100 marsupial baby names of 2021.

Top 100 Boys’ Names

In a surprising turn of events, Joey has nudged Joey out of the top spot, but there are lots of familiar names rounding out the top 5. Joey continues to be a popular choice, while traditionalists will be pleased to see…


Dreams

You done messed up

couple sit on couch after an argument
couple sit on couch after an argument
“Why must you hurt the ones you love?” (Image from Canva)

What have you done?

Men are pigs, and you’ve just proved it by ruining your love’s REM sleep with your philandering ways.

She caught you red-handed, doing the no-pants dance with a hippocampus-dwelling homewrecker. Also, David Attenborough was narrating it to her, but then he left to measure the spoons.

Wait, spoons?

Stop trying to change the subject! This isn’t about British national treasure David Attenborough; this is about your sordid subconscious acts. It doesn’t matter that you were a figment of her imagination — it was “very realistic” and you need to do better.

Here’s how to de-escalate the…

Alex Cooper

Freelance writer, humorist, and author of two weird books about animals. Top writer in Humor & Satire. Get my books here: https://cutt.ly/dxRNMuj

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