I Read Dinosaur Erotica so You Don’t Have To
I first heard about the dinosaur erotica genre from a Cracked article and forgot all about it, apart from the occasional traumatic flashback.
Several years later, seeing that some of these titles had more ratings than my two books combined, I dusted off my Journalism Diploma and prepared to ruin my childhood for the sake of a scoop. I had to know what made these novels so appealing to their small, yet devoted fanbases.
Medium is full of writing advice, but the dinosaur erotica niche is one that has been overlooked, probably for very good reason. Yet someone is buying this stuff.
I’m sure you have a lot of questions: Should you consider dinosaur-on-human erotica for your next self-published novel? Are these books a joke? Did I pay actual money to read them?
I can only conclusively answer the latter — yes. I spent four British Pounds and 30 minutes (they weren’t exactly War and Peace) reading two popular titles cover-to-cover.
Here are my findings.
Choosing the Books
I knew one of my purchases had to be a Christie Sims novel. Sims is like the Stephen King of sauropod vs sapiens sex, and she’s built up quite the back catalog.
Taken by the T-Rex immediately jumped out at me.
Taken by the T-Rex (Dinosaur Erotica)
Amazon.com: Taken by the T-Rex (Dinosaur Erotica) (Audible Audio Edition): Christie Sims, Alara Branwen, Pepper…
Every expense had been spared on the cover, and at £2.06 for 5800 words ($2.99 for U.S. readers), I thought the bang-for-buck was slightly lacking, but I can always write this off as a business expense.
I probably won’t, but the option is there.
I purchased the Kindle version and scanned Amazon.co.uk for another suitable title. Wet Hot Allosaurus Summer looked promising, but a thoughtful review from Amazon.com saved me £2.49.
Once I found out the book required suspension of disbelief about arm injuries, it was out of the running. I was expecting the gritty realism of Randy Rampaging Raptors.
Thanks, Dino Chick.
I soon realized I was browsing exclusively male-dinosaur-on-human-woman titles and needed to escape this narrow, heteronormative view of dino-on-human erotica.
Thankfully, Space Raptor Butt Invasion barreled into my peripheral vision and to my rescue, promising “4100 words of sizzling human on gay dinosaur action.”
Space Raptor Butt Invasion
Space Raptor Butt Invasion - Kindle edition by Tingle, Chuck. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC…
I couldn’t click “Buy now” fast enough. I sat down with a strong coffee, an open mind, and a touch of buyer’s remorse, and read my two new purchases.
Space Raptor Butt Invasion
Author Chuck Tingle (almost certainly not a pseudonym) has boldly gone where no author has gone before, with one giant leap for interplanetary interspecies intercourse.
With a rating of 4.5 on Amazon (higher than my second book — no, I’m not bitter), I had high hopes.
It’s not gay if it’s a man and a dinosaur, is it?
It’s a lot of things, Chuck. Gay probably is one of them, but not the part I’d take issue with.
I’m slightly disappointed. Not with the subject matter, mind you — it delivers exactly what I expected. I’m talking about Mr. Tingle’s prose, proofreading, and punctuation.
I could never really get into the human protagonist’s shoes because I was fixated on the author’s habit of misformatting almost every piece of dialog.
The first typo appears on page two, and they come thick and fast throughout. Mr. Tingle also can’t make up his mind whether he’s using British (“grey”) or U.S. English (“realize”).
Protagonist Lance Tanner is an astronaut in a space station on Zorbus. Earth is becoming unlivable and they’re terraforming other planets. Lance’s partner is sent home, leaving him alone. Not for long, though.
Soon, a strange figure knocks on his door and removes his helmet. He’s a velociraptor who can talk, called Orion. Mr. Tingle undermines this shock reveal with his wanton capitalization and defiance of stylistic conventions.
Maybe I’m being too anal about it, which is a good segue into the next section.
Orion drops the bombshell that the dinosaurs didn’t die out, but took to the stars instead and now watch over the galaxy. Raptor scientists from Earth Two sent him on a lone mission to Zorbus.
Lance is surprised by this new information, but he gets over it within about two paragraphs and suggests a game of ping pong. The two become fast friends, and despite Lance’s internalized homophobia he begins to want more.
Two pages later, after a detailed description of dino felatio, Lance finally accepts that — just maybe — he might be gay.
It’s a heartwarming pivot.
There are a few more pages of description as Lance and Orion get intimately acquainted. The novel finishes abruptly with the astronaut looking forward to a year with his new raptor sweetheart.
- This story is only 15 pages of the promised 34. Chuck Tingle has slipped in another, unrelated story about gay trucker sex, and I’m feeling slightly shortchanged. On the other hand, it was roughly 15 pages too long.
- On the penultimate page, Orion instructs Lance to “take my Jurassic load.” This took me out of the story — any keen dinosaur scholar knows that velociraptors are from the Cretaceous period.
- Mr. Tingle has clearly not done his research. Real velociraptors were closer to the size of a turkey than a human. And anatomically, as an avian dino, I’m fairly certain Orion would have a cloaca. Logistically, this coupling is a non-starter.
Final rating: 1.6 out of 5
I’m all for “live and let live” but if I have to read this again what kind of a life would that be?
Purchase regret rating: 4.7 out of 5
I’m going to ask for a refund, but the damage to my Amazon recommendations has already been done.
Taken By the T-Rex
With 88 reviews on Amazon UK (and 134 on Amazon US), I was hoping for a more immersive experience than Chuck Tingle’s offering. I could rely on Christie Sims, couldn’t I?
Huntress Drin’s village is decimated by a T-Rex, forcing the tribe to relocate. Drin prepares traps in case the beast returns. (Spoiler alert: it does.)
As she runs, leading it through a gauntlet of traps, the thrill of the hunt soars through her blood, leaving her wet with desire. When the angry T-Rex corners the huntress in a box canyon, it seems more interested in her wet womanhood than in her flesh.
Co-authors Christie Sims and Alara Branwen have earned their place in the dino porn pantheon. At some points, I thought I was reading James Joyce.
Hemingway once remarked that you shouldn’t send the reader to the dictionary by using too many big words, and Sims/Branwen have taken this advice to heart. The phrase “big lizard” appears no less than four times in the opening three paragraphs, and roughly 86 more times in 19 pages.
The female human protagonist, Drin, sees her village destroyed and her mother bitten in half, then swears revenge on the dino responsible.
The first few pages paint a harrowing picture. There are a lot of body parts scattered around the village; one man clutches the severed foot of his deceased wife. It’s heavy stuff for a dinosaur erotica tale, but I’m sure Sims knows what she’s doing.
“But you didn’t have to cut them up, munch my mother, bite her legs off and then flee the village.” — Gotye ft Christie Sims, Some Cavepeople That I Used to Know.
For several pages, not much happens. For the next several pages, not much continues to happen.
Drin tries to mobilize the village against the dinosaur, but other tribal elders aren’t so keen. Fellow hunter Grul sums it up well — they are small; the big lizard is big. They decide to relocate and leave the T-Rex alone.
A few months later T-Rex returns. Drin is prepared, having set a series of traps. The other villagers had mocked her, apparently forgetting the deaths of most of their family.
Drin leads her reptilian nemesis away from the village. In a dramatic 180, she inexplicably fights the urge to touch herself whilst fleeing.
Then tragedy strikes and she’s trapped. The dinosaur decides he’s a lover and a fighter, rips her clothes off, and puts his two-foot-long phallus to good use.
I didn’t find the next few pages titillating, but I doubt I’m the target demographic. My main takeaway is that T-Rexes are selfish lovers. If you’re expecting a cutesy love story of a dino who’ll wrap you up in his big strong arms and spoon, then you should know that T-Rex’s anatomy prohibits this.
- For a 19-page book, Sims takes a lot of time to reach the erotic part of the story. When it comes, we are treated to only three pages of the deed itself.
- Actually, that’s probably a good thing.
- “Book” is a strong word for this collection of words, of which roughly half are either “big” or “lizard.”
- At one point Drin hunts a deer. I can suspend disbelief when it comes to humans and dinosaurs co-existing if the plot hinges on it, but this just took me out of the narrative.
- Actually, being taken out of the narrative was probably a good thing.
- The titular T-Rex is an adolescent. Is this problematic?
- It is selling considerably better than either of my books, one of which is over 280 pages long.
- No, I’m not jealous.
Final rating: 2.1 out of 5
I will give Sims her credit — she did more research than Chuck Tingle. The dinosaur has feathers, something young T-Rexes probably would have had. This is how Drin knows it’s an adolescent; the fact that it’s only three meters long might be a giveaway, too.
Sims masterfully juxtaposes 16 pages of childlike vocabulary and unparalleled tedium with three pages of absolute smut.
Purchase regret rating: 3.2 out of 5
Maybe I’ll keep this eBook for future reference if I’m struggling to think of adjectives and want that struggle to continue.
Should You Write Dinosaur Erotica?
Everyone stresses the importance of finding your niche, or your tribe. Judging by the reviews, there’s an even split between people who are legitimately turned on by dino dongs, and people who buy the books as a gag gift.
If you’ve ever wondered whether your writing is good enough to sell thousands of copies, I hope you now feel better about yourself. Find your niche, and you can sell anything.
I could make fun of the Christie Sims and Chuck Tingles of the world, but then again, they’re laughing all the way to the bank while I’m giving them free publicity.
I can see myself having a midlife crisis and writing the spiritual successor to Taken By the T-Rex under a pseudonym, possibly while heavily sedated in hospital, recovering from major surgery.
Should you dive into the dino porn genre as an author? I’ll leave you with a quote from Jurassic Park’s Ian Malcolm:
Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Or, to borrow another quote from Dr. Malcolm:
That is one big pile of shit.